No Mames
by sinemoras09
Summary: Morty fails his Spanish test. Jerry puts his foot down. Gen. Crack. No spoilers.


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"Motherfucker," Jerry says.

He's looking at the Spanish test that was crumpled in the garbage, and at the big read "F" that's circled in the center. Jerry balls up the test in his fist and stomps out of the bedroom.

"Rick!" Jerry looks around, angrily. "Dammit, Rick, where the hell are you?!"

There's rap music seeping out from the door to the garage.

Jerry opens the door, and the bass booms out like a sudden blast of air. Morty's at school for once, and Rick is tinkering with god-knows-what on the workbench, hunched over some electronic thingamajig and squinting through a pair of eye loupes.

"What the hell is this?" Jerry says. He tosses the test in front of Rick.

Rick jerks back, startled. "Jerry, what the fuck-"

"It's Morty's last Spanish test, Rick. What the hell is this?"

Rick shuts off the music and gives it a cursory glance, before readjusting his eye loupes. "School is for idiots," Rick says. He leans over the motherboard, fiddling with the wires. "W-w-w-what the hell do you want me to do about it?"

"What I want, Rick, is for you to explain how my son managed to fail a Spanish test even though he spends all his free time hanging out with his Spanish-speaking grandpa."

Rick groans and rolls his eyes, pulling off the eye loupes.

"Fine," Rick says. "I'll go incept his Spanish teacher later this afternoon."

"Rick! I don't want you to incept his teacher, Rick! I want you to go and tutor him!"

"In Spanish, Jerry? W-w-what do you think I am? I'm a genius, Jerry, I'm not a fucking app."

"Rick-"

"Okay, Jerry, h-h-how about you go deconstruct your own fucking language, Jerry. How about, how about you go conjugate some verbs or stick some adjectives or pronouns up your ass?"

xXx

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Jerry is pissed.

"Beth, I just don't understand - why did Rick never teach you Spanish?"

It's bedtime, and Jerry is in a T-shirt and boxer shorts, pacing. Beth is already in bed, the lamp on the nightstand switched on and her face buried in a book. "I don't know, Jerry, my Dad didn't do a lot of things. He was never really there."

"It just burns me up, Beth, that Morty spends all this time with him, and then he goes and takes a test and _fails_."

"Morty fails a lot of things," Beth says.

"Beth!"

Beth flips a page. "It's just a test," Beth says. "Morty was out on an adventure, so he didn't know a few vocab words. Big deal."

"Beth, your father's influence is rubbing off on him. The least he could do is help him with his Spanish."

"I mean, my Dad could help him with science or math too, but I don't see you bothering him over that-"

"Because Morty gets all A's in math!" Jerry says. Beth closes her book.

"Because my Dad incepted his teacher. Jerry, it doesn't matter. It's just high school. No one cares."

"He's not going to get in a good college with grades like that-"

Beth snorts. "You really think our dumbass kids will go to college?"

Jerry rubs his head.

xXx

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Morty is carrying a bowl of popcorn. Jerry pokes his head around the kitchen and watches as Morty gets comfortable on the couch, then switches on the interdimensional cable.

"Nope," Jerry says, and he swoops down like an avenging angel and changes it to the Spanish Channel.

Morty starts. "Hey! W-w-what'd you do that, for?! I was watching that!"

"I saw your Spanish test," Jerry says. "You thought you could hide it, but I saw that big fat 'F' staring up at me from the trash can."

Morty groans. "Aw, man."

"I'm putting my foot down, Morty. No video games, no TV, no _adventures_ unless you ace the next one."

"Geez."

The woman on the Spanish soap opera drops to her knees and wails dramatically. "_¡Te amo tanto, Enrique! ¡Por favor, no quiero vivir sin ti!_" Rick walks around the corner.

"What the fuck is this, Jerry? We're missing _Ball Fondlers_!"

"Rick, I'm putting my foot down," Jerry says. "No one else in this family may care about school or grades, but guess what, chuck. _I do._ And he's not going on any adventures until you teach him and help him with his Spanish," Jerry says. Rick groans.

"Fuck," Rick says. "I told you, Jerry, I-I-I'll go incept his teacher-"

"You'll speak to my son in Spanish or you're not going on any adventures!"

"Motherfucker." A stream of Spanish expletives falls from Rick's mouth. He spits the words angrily, then storms into the kitchen, flipping him off.

"What did you say to me?" Jerry says. He starts to follow him, but Morty interrupts.

"He said to go fuck yourself, a-a-and then he called you a tuft of pubic hair and then a male goat. I-it's like calling you a bitch and an asshole," Morty says.

"Oh, well great. That's just great. My son, who failed his Spanish test, at the very least can curse in Spanish. Way to go, Rick. Real swell."

xXx

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They don't go on any adventures for a full week.

"Look at that, Beth," Jerry says, and he smirks at the sight of Rick jabbing his finger at Morty's Spanish book. "See? All I had to do was put my foot down. There's no way Morty won't pass his next test."

Jerry takes a victory lap. He swans over to the kitchen to get himself a bowl of ice cream. Smirking smugly, he wanders over to the table and peers over at Morty's Spanish homework.

Rick glances up at him, then says something to Morty in Spanish. To Jerry, it sounds like, "_Spanish Spanish Spanish,_ Morty, _Spanish Spanish._"

Jerry's brow furrows. Morty lets out an exasperated sigh, then replies, "Yeah, Rick. _Spanish Spanish Spanish_."

"Wow," Jerry says. He sets down his bowl of ice cream. "You two really caught up with the Spanish."

Rick glances at Morty. "Hmph. Your Dad _Spanish Spanish Spanish_."

"Aw geez Rick, _Spanish Spanish_."

"¡Ha ha Morty!_ ¡Spanish Spanish Spanish!_"

They laugh and fistbump each other. Jerry crosses his arms. "Okay. You made your point, Rick. That's enough with the Spanish."

Rick's eyebrows go up in exaggerated innocence. _"¿Spanish Spanish Spanish? ¡Spanish Spanish_ Jerry, _Spanish!_"

"Okay, I get it," Jerry says. "Just speak English, please. It's rude to talk in another language when people can't understand you."

Summer walks into the kitchen, texting on her phone.

"Hey, Sum Sum!" Rick says. "_¿Spanish Spanish? ¡Spanish Spanish Spanish!_"

"Grandpa Rick, _Spanish Spanish Spanish_, okay, I'm texting Jacqueline, _Spanish_."

"Wait, Summer, you both know Spanish?" Jerry's head whips around from Summer to Morty, and then back to Rick, who's smiling at him smugly.

"Yeah Jerry," Rick says. "Now we can talk shit about you and you _urrp_ won't even know about it."

"This is a trick, right?" Jerry says. "Like, you're using that universal translator just to mess with me, right?"

"No Jerry, my grandkids are bilingual now, Jerry. And we're gonna talk so much shit about you-"

"So much shit," Summer says.

"-although technically, I would say the same shit to your face, but then I wouldn't have the satisfaction of seeing you piss your pants because you can't understand what we're saying. But hey. At least he'll ace his test. Right Jerry?"

Rick's eyes glitter like cat's eyes, the way a predator stares down its prey.

xXx

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"Geez, Rick. I-I-I can't believe we stopped time just so we could learn Spanish," Morty says. Unbeknownst to Jerry, Rick had spent the last week dicking around before clicking the time remote and spending the next six months shouting at Summer and Morty in Spanish.

Summer's slouching on the couch texting on her phone while Rick is sitting next to her, flipping through interdimesional cable. "Lame," Rick says, and he clicks on the Spanish channel. Summer sits up.

"Oooh. Is Marta cheating on Enrique again?" Summer says. Rick reaches for the popcorn.

"Who isn't she cheating with?" Rick says, and they lean back and watch the program.

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* * *

Telanova dialogue translation: "I love you so much, Enrique! Please, I don't want to live without you!"


End file.
